Anonymous (Name is hidden due to confidentiality)
Constellations can be brutally clarifying. There is something to learn from my story.
A few months ago, I found myself in a situation which I don’t wish on anyone. I’ve been married for 20+ years and my marriage is not a very happy one.
My husband is a good, reliable person and we went through heaven and hell together raising two kids. But we never had an emotional connection and I was missing it a lot until I met another man. Oh my God! How wonderful it was to finally have a soulmate! Or at least so it seemed to me. Although we did have discussions about our future together, in reality we continued to have mostly virtual relationship with some in-person meetings for years. Don’t judge me. My own burden of guilt hurts me much more than anything I can hear from others.
Long story short, it became a matter of my sanity to make a decision: should I divorce my husband or should I stop my affair. And I was much closer to first option. Believe me, I spent a good deal of time talking to psychotherapist about this decision, but I was too deep in my delusions to dig out the truth verbally. I decided to try a different approach and do a family constellation.
If you believe in energy and information field, then this is the best way to explain why and how it works.
From a group of people who didn’t know anything about my story I chose representatives for roles of me, my husband and the lover and just watched the story unfold. The first representative in the center of a circle was for myself. I watched her starting to bend over, almost falling to her knees as she started feeling the exact burden of guilt I was talking about. Oh yes, that’s how I felt for years. The second person in the circle represented my husband. He tried to come closer and be with me but I (my representative) acted as if he was repulsive to her. Sad to admit, but it also felt true to me. The third person represented my lover. Everything was very simple and clear with him. He (his representative) never attempted to approach me, be with me or communicate in any other way. He just stood there. When Galina Thomas (the facilitator) who was leading the process asked the guy what does he feel about me, he said: “I am aware of her”. That’s how much of the energy he was really ready to invest in our relationship.
Even more. When Galina asked my representative what did she feel about him, she answered:” I don’t feel him as a real person. More like an idea or ideal.” That was my delusion. I fell in love with the image of a guy, not a real person.
My story is not unique. Many people fall in love with an image of a person rather than a real human. And still, everyone including me has to discover it in their own way. Our minds can be so convincing in keeping us delusional.
Constellation lasts about 45 minutes. The rest was about my relationship with my mom, and her relationship with her mom. Apparently it all played a role in how successful I was in my own family. But I already got the answer I came for. I felt like the truth was unveiled in front of me and I immediately connected with it.
It’s not a happy ending in my family yet. Stopping the affair doesn’t automatically means emotional connection with my husband. The good thing is that I feel free. I didn’t realize fully what a burden I was carrying.
Try family constellations for yourself. It’s OK if you don’t have two men to choose from. I saw people bringing different questions to the group: any relationship problems, addictions, chronic diseases, career failures, change the job or stay and many more. Something which feels like you are stuck there.