Anonymous (Name is hidden due to confidentiality)
As long as I remember, I had difficult relationship with my Mom. She wasn’t a bad mom, she tried her best to be a good mom and that’s why I could never really understand why I had problems with her.
In my twenties I realized that I hated my mother. There was a lot of anguish and shame in this realization. How could I feel this way? One is supposed to love their parents! But here I was, experiencing something so strong, powerful… and negative.
I tried to explain my hate, or lack of love, as that she just didn’t understand me. She would guilt trip me into doing something she wanted me to do but I didn’t. She was somewhat psychologically abusive, but nothing so bad that it would justify my hate. It all was very confusing and puzzling to me.
I spent years trying to reconcile with my mom. I tried working with forgiveness, understanding and digging into my past. I was able to stop blaming her for everything when I began to understand that she was damaged by her own life circumstances and did the best she could.
However, none of this understanding changed my FELLINGS for her. My heart was cold and I couldn’t even imagine hugging her in my imagination, let alone in person. I felt nothing when my mom died many years ago.
On some level, I accepted that there was something wrong WITH ME and I was probably damaged beyond repair.
Then, my relationship with my husband started to deteriorate. He was complaining that he didn’t feel love from me. He saw it as a “big hole” in my heart, like a bottomless abyss. That’s when it hit me that “I didn’t know how to love.”
I started to look around in search of answers or a cure. This is when I heard about family constellations from my friends. I read about it, watched some YouTube videos and then I just knew that I had to try it.
As it often happens in my life, very soon after I heard about a family constellations workshop near me. At that time, I was depressed, (which back then happened quite consistently with me, every year or so). I was crying for no apparent reason all the way to the workshop – about an hour long drive.
We were sitting in a circle and sharing what we would like to achieve in the workshop. Trying hard to suppress my tears, I mumbled – “I don’t know how to love.” Surprisingly, I was the first one chosen to do my own constellation.
The very first thing out of the facilitator’s mouth was, “You are disconnected from your mother.” Next, he proceeded to ask me whether I was separated from my mom during my childhood. And yes, I had been. At the age of three I spent one or two weeks in the hospital – back then parents were not allowed to visit. Never before I gave any significance to this fact.
He then invited somebody to represent my mom. Standing there and looking at me, she said “I can’t take my eyes off you.” What happened next blew my mind.
The facilitator took me by the hand and led me into my “mom” arms. She hold me and I just started sobbing – me, who never cried in front of anybody, was bawling in front of that whole group of strangers!
And here I was, in the arms of my “mom.” It felt so right and good. A 40+ year old wall of pain and defenses began to crumble down. In effect, I was reunited with my mom!
My depression lingered for a while because it took another month after the constellation to process the feelings. As a matter of fact, I cried all the way back from workshop too. But little by little, the darkness that had been filling my heart started to thaw and one day I finally realized – I love my mom!
Now, the picture in my mind is very different from before. I see my mom as young, very beautiful and she’s looking at me with a radiant smile on her face. And she holds me in her arms and I enjoy every moment of that.
And… On another note… As a result of that constellation and the healing of my ability to love, my relationship with my husband completely transformed too.
Once the broken heart mends, love can fill it up once again.